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Mental health day

I ended up taking today off from work as I felt that I could use a mental health day. After yesterday’s Metro disaster if I wanted to get to work and avoid taking the train I had to wake up at 7 and would have to catch the H8 bus at 8 AM, transfer to the P6 at Rhode Island Avenue, and wouldn’t arrive at the office until almost 9:30. 90 minutes of commute, and then another 90 minutes commuting back home.

I woke up at 7 planning to take that route to work, but when I heard on the radio how Metro was running Green line trains again I turned my alarm off and and thought about taking my usual route into work at my usual time but I just felt mentally exhausted. I have to admit that I also felt a bit anxious about riding the train, too. I haven’t had time to relax since before the holidays (it’s felt like every weekend or day off from work I’ve had something I’ve had to do or take care of, or been busy in some fashion), so I emailed my supervisor and manager and said that I was taking the day off.

I have my work laptop here at home with me but I’m planning on doing nothing that resembles work either personally or professionally. No work stuff. No fiddling around with my quantitative self tracker. Today’s plan is to do nothing.

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Hokey smokes

Was just reading about today’s smoke incident and fatality on the Metro. Though it occurred on a Yellow line train, and I take Green, I go right through L’Enfant Plaza to and from work every day. I don’t know how I’d handle the 40 minutes of waiting for rescue in the dark and smoke; considering I once had a panic attack on the Metro when I found it difficult to breathe I probably wouldn’t handle it very well.

I tried looking to see if there was an alternative route I could take to work that wouldn’t involve Metro but none of the ones I found were very convenient. My current commute takes about 40 minutes; 20 minutes by bus to the station, and then another 20 minutes by train to the office. I could get to work entirely by bus, but that would take three times as long: home to Rhode Island Avenue and transfer to another bus. I’ve biked to work once or twice, but have not previously in this cold and ice and doubt I would.

That it could have been my train going through L’Enfant has me concerned. Sometimes other passengers aren’t the greatest ((To paraphrase an old manager of mine once after we had an irate customer, the bad thing about taking public transportation is having to let the public in.)) but that just comes with the territory. Overall, I like the thought of using public transportation but it’s the safety history of Metro that gives me pause. I could drive to work if I really wanted to, but parking fees would be ridiculous. I just don’t know what else I could do except to move within walking distance of my office.

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Phones

So my new project manager asked us for our office and cell phone numbers. No big deal, right? After I emailed mine, one of my coworkers sent out his office number and said how his personal cell phone was “for personal use only”, and that if the company wanted to pay his cell phone bill then he’d be happy to use it for work purposes. I don’t know why, but reading that gave me a slight anxiety attack. Maybe it’s because of knowing that I can be contacted and put on the spot at any time now? I mean, in my last job, I hated hated HATED helping out on the phone queue because I never knew when my next call would come in and didn’t like wondering if I’d be able to help them out with their issue.

Give me a letter or email or something that I can digest on my own terms in my own time. I’m much more comfortable with things like that.

My left eye has been twitching a lot lately and it’s getting to be quite annoying.

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Nervous steps

I’m looking into making an appointment with a psychologist. I had been thinking about going into therapy for some time, and while I’ve mentioned it to my doctor once (and he suggested that it’s probably a good idea), I hadn’t really looked much into it for a while. So many psychologists to choose from, and how can I tell who’s good for me, etc., etc., it all just got overwhelming and I kept giving up. Well, after seeing a post on the Washington DC Reddit board the other day from someone looking for a therapist I thought I should get back into searching for one. It’s been three years since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and while the medication I’m on has generally helped with the effects of anxiety and depression, I still don’t feel like I’m quite in the correct space mentally that I ought to be after three years. Even though I don’t feel quite capable of it anymore, I almost feel like a good solid cry like I used to be able to do before diagnosis would help a lot, but I know it wouldn’t. I just have those same feelings inside me and need some way of getting them out.

I also want to be able to handle my anxiety and depression better. I know there are situations that can affect me negatively that I should be able to handle. I need a better way of coping. Hopefully meeting with a psychologist would help me with that.

I’m also concerned about my social life; I feel like my anxiety and depression is holding me back. I don’t enjoy going on dates so much any more because I’m having a hard time believing (hm, perhaps too strong of a word; “understanding” might be better) why anyone would want to be around me, or me convincing myself of what I might be able to offer a partner.

I feel like I’m in a rut with my work right now as well, and feeling worried about work as a result. When I’ve got a plan, I’ve got a pretty good idea of how to get my project from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’, but right now I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not quite sure what work I’m expected to do. It doesn’t help that we’ve had a few senior people leave over the last few months to move on to other jobs so we’ve had to step up and learn what they do and take over from them. It’s not like I haven’t embraced that as an opportunity, either. I’m just worried that I should be doing things at work other than what I’ve been doing, and that once I finish this current project at work I’ll be left in limbo. (Speaking of being nervous about what I’m doing, I hate it when I’m working from home ((We’re getting an ice storm tomorrow morning, and I’ll likely work from home, so this concern is both topical and timely!)) and having to email to say what I’m working on. I don’t want to sound like I’m slacking, but I also don’t want to say I’m doing work that I’m not) Our contract ends in a few months, and while I haven’t had any indication that my work hasn’t been appreciated, it’s the first time that I’ve been in a position where I’m tied to a job whose contract is ending and will have to be re-bid. The last time I was in any sort of contractual job was back when I was a temporary employee for Adecco and had been working as a temp for a year and a half when I should have been there for six months, max, so knowing that my contract might be ending soon leaves me a bit nervous. Not that I’m worried about my job finding me new work elsewhere if necessary, but I like my location and the people I work with, and I’m not looking forward to the possibility of that changing.

So I’m looking into setting up an appointment with a psychologist, and I think I might have found one that I’d be comfortable with (and takes my insurance, bonus!). I just have to call her and see what we need to do to make this happen… as soon as I stop stressing about contacting her. Did I mention that one of the reasons why I kept putting off finding a psychologist was the anxiety I felt just looking for one?