Today at therapy we got to talking about how I can be too hard on myself, and how if I think that I’m X, I’m X to the extreme. Some examples:

I had been hearing about different random assaults in DC recently, and then when waiting for a bus two guys approached and walked close by on my left and my right, and I tensed up and shook a little (which is apparently my fight-or-flight response). My brain’s response: “I’M RACIST.”

I find myself checking a woman out and thinking she’s attractive. My brain’s response: “I’M SEXIST.”

Over the past few years I’ve tried being more cognizant of how my behavior comes across to other people, and to take more responsibility for my actions, and to be more mindful of other people in general, but it’s turned into me trying to be overly PC. My therapist and I are thinking that others might be picking up on my anxiety from not trying to offend others, and that comes off as off-putting. Or, I feel like I have to keep up this appearance, and people don’t get an opportunity to get to know the actual me. A variety of possibilities from me trying to be more aware and taking it to an extreme I never meant to take it to, and now am finding difficult to turn off.

She said that during our talk she basically thought I ought to try to emulate Bill Clinton. Paraphrasing: “Yes, he’s sexist and womanizing, but he doesn’t shy away from that, and yet women love him.” I think I’d rather emulate James Bond, but either way it’s something for me to Think About.

I’m also looking into possible events / activities where I can meet up with a consistent group of people on a regular basis. Things like dancing lessons, or an improv class, or a running group, etc. I think a lot of the events I’ve looked at doing in the past have been the sort of events where people show up if/when they feel like it, so it’s not the same people on a regular basis. I’d like to have an opportunity to get to know people, so events where I’d be able to see them on a regular schedule would help with that.