Had a good session with my psychologist yesterday. It was one of those sessions where I went in with no particular topic in mind but a variety of things to talk about, and left an hour later with some real insight on how my brain works and how I act and everything I talked about came out in a nice little package of understanding.
We learned that I’m nervous about sticking my neck out too far, about being noticed, about not following rules (whether actual or unspoken), about taking (or appearing to take) more than my fair share or what I’ve earned. I don’t like feeling like I’m hogging the spotlight, even when I’m not; just let me fade into the background and let others get praise, they probably deserve it more than me.
This can work to my detriment in that I might not advocate for myself and my position as much as I maybe should, even when it’s something I deserve. I’d much prefer to wait and expect that eventually I’ll get what’s coming to me (hence the Fugazi-inspired blog title), and if I don’t get it then it wasn’t meant to be.
We talked a little about how I submitted my promotion presentation a week or so ago and though I felt proud of myself for advocating for my career and professional needs, I’ve also been anxious about having done so. “Why does Glenn feel like he deserves this?” I imagine higher-ups asking, and then I ask myself the same. I also similarly thought that, while I did a good job advocating for a salary increase as part of my presentation, maybe it was too presumptuous to have done so, and then I ask myself “Why did I do that? Now they’ll think less of me. Maybe this was a bad idea.”
But yesterday’s therapy session was good for me to recognize that I act this way, and that I need to advocate for myself more. So, just before writing this post, since I hadn’t yet heard any feedback, I sent a follow-up to see about scheduling a meeting to discuss it further.
Come on and get up
Come on and get up