I went to the psychologist again today; I really am enjoying my weekly visits with her. It’s funny, though I’m still writing on my blog, I feel like my psychologist sessions have basically taken the place of having open comments on my website. I write what I’m feeling, then have a discussion with her about how I felt the week before. It’s a pretty good setup.
Today we spent time talking about relationships. While I’d like to be in a new relationship, I find that I am holding myself back to do activities on my own, and I’m not sure if it’s because I just now prefer doing things on my own or if it’s because I’m afraid of entering into a relationship and all that a relationship entails.
We discussed how I tend to have a “grass is always greener” outlook where I start to think that I could do better with someone else. Why bother getting into a relationship if I’m just going to try to seek out one that’s better? For that, she said that I need to reassure myself that that’s how I tend to think and brush thoughts like those aside – I don’t need to pay as much attention to thoughts like those as I have in the past. Just chalk it up to “yeah, that’s how I tend to think” and move on.
Same with how I’ve found myself holding myself back, thinking that I don’t have much worth to bring to a relationship – in cases like that I need to ask myself: “Is this true?” She said that while I may find exceptions to every rule I’d tend to discover that things aren’t always how I think they are, so I guess it’s mostly a matter of retraining myself how to think and focus my attention on what I know to be true rather than what I think the truth actually is. She brought up examples of my personality just from what she’s learned about me: that I’m kind, and caring, and thoughtful, for example.
With others’ feelings and opinions, I can’t be responsible for how they feel or react, only for how my own thoughts and feelings, so I need to put less stock in what other people might think of me.
I used to be good at not thinking much of what other people thought of me, but maybe at some point I just started to get self conscious? I mentioned that basically I want to get like the main character in Office Space when he asks a waitress he likes out: he asks her out and adds something like “but if you don’t want to, that’s fine too.” It’s that sort of easygoing approach to situations I’d like for myself and need to work toward.
Speaking of working toward things, I had also mentioned that I work best when there’s some goal involved. It’s silly to assume that x + y = relationship, but if ‘x’ is “getting used to uncomfortable situations” and ‘y’ is “becoming more involved in activities I enjoy”, then you can start to see how working towards those can put me in a better place for starting a relationship and finding someone who shares the same interests. Like I told my psychologist, I don’t know if I want a relationship in 5 minutes or 5 years, but I know that what I’ve been doing to improve myself intellectually won’t improve me socially. I also feel like withdrawing myself into my own projects isn’t healthy long-term either. So, to fix that, I need to figure out ways to find people who are also interested in what I’m interested in doing and see how things go from there.