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#5354 – more of the same

lonely. grumpy. dissatisfied. anxious. frustrated.

i feel like if i keep telling myself that something awesome is going to happen to me this week, something awesome will eventually happen.

eventually.

all i’ve been doing is going to work, coming home, hunting for jobs, and going to bed. i’ve slacked on my mid-week running, partly because of weather, partly because of scheduling conflicts, and partly because i’m just not motivated. i need to get out and see people because right now i feel like too much of a hermit, but i’m so frustrated with my work situation that finding a new job is my current priority.

i’ve applied for several jobs over the past month. i’ve created a tracker to keep track of each one’s status. i don’t know why i bothered, it hasn’t been much use other than showing me it’s been 24 workdays since i applied to the first job since creating the tracker. 😛 at least it’s helped me keep from re-applying to the same jobs over and over again, i guess.

it also doesn’t help that even though i’m not hurting for money or anything, i don’t really feel i can justify going out and spending money unnecessarily at the moment. i kind of just want to be alone, even though i know that being alone all the time can’t be good for me. i feel like the sooner i find a new job, the sooner i’ll be in a better situation, and the sooner my mood will improve. i don’t know how true that is, though.

i looked at some psychologists and cross-referenced the list of ones close to my zip code with a list of psychologists from the american psychological association, and ended up with a few to check out in more detail. unfortunately the one that i think i’d like the most and had the most information on her website isn’t in my insurance plan, so hello $160 first visit and $90 weekly visits. needless to say i’ve put psychologist searching on hold too until i find a new job. no sense in finding a psychologist covered by my insurance if i get a new job that may not cover my newfound psychologist. (that’s another thing about the one i found that i think would be a good fit – she’s not in any network, so i could see her and not worry about changing insurance plans, but until i find a better-paying job it’s not something i can afford at the moment.)

i also read this book, and it was spot-on. it makes me wonder if i’m withdrawing from people because i don’t want to subject them to how i feel.

and do you know how i feel? it feels like everything i’m frustrated about has one thing in common: me.

…it is 12:35 AM, what am i still doing up?

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