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#5354 – more of the same

lonely. grumpy. dissatisfied. anxious. frustrated.

i feel like if i keep telling myself that something awesome is going to happen to me this week, something awesome will eventually happen.

eventually.

all i’ve been doing is going to work, coming home, hunting for jobs, and going to bed. i’ve slacked on my mid-week running, partly because of weather, partly because of scheduling conflicts, and partly because i’m just not motivated. i need to get out and see people because right now i feel like too much of a hermit, but i’m so frustrated with my work situation that finding a new job is my current priority.

i’ve applied for several jobs over the past month. i’ve created a tracker to keep track of each one’s status. i don’t know why i bothered, it hasn’t been much use other than showing me it’s been 24 workdays since i applied to the first job since creating the tracker. 😛 at least it’s helped me keep from re-applying to the same jobs over and over again, i guess.

it also doesn’t help that even though i’m not hurting for money or anything, i don’t really feel i can justify going out and spending money unnecessarily at the moment. i kind of just want to be alone, even though i know that being alone all the time can’t be good for me. i feel like the sooner i find a new job, the sooner i’ll be in a better situation, and the sooner my mood will improve. i don’t know how true that is, though.

i looked at some psychologists and cross-referenced the list of ones close to my zip code with a list of psychologists from the american psychological association, and ended up with a few to check out in more detail. unfortunately the one that i think i’d like the most and had the most information on her website isn’t in my insurance plan, so hello $160 first visit and $90 weekly visits. needless to say i’ve put psychologist searching on hold too until i find a new job. no sense in finding a psychologist covered by my insurance if i get a new job that may not cover my newfound psychologist. (that’s another thing about the one i found that i think would be a good fit – she’s not in any network, so i could see her and not worry about changing insurance plans, but until i find a better-paying job it’s not something i can afford at the moment.)

i also read this book, and it was spot-on. it makes me wonder if i’m withdrawing from people because i don’t want to subject them to how i feel.

and do you know how i feel? it feels like everything i’m frustrated about has one thing in common: me.

…it is 12:35 AM, what am i still doing up?

1 Comment

  1. I can empathize with pretty much everything you’ve written here with the exception being that I’m in therapy – now. I was actually talking to my therapist the other day about how I’m worried that I logistically won’t be able to work out, maintain any sort of social life, eat well, and make it through a year of grad/school and student teaching in an accelerated program. She was like, ‘well work out when you can but don’t beat yourself up about it because you can lose the weight but you can’t get another full-ride to college’ That helped.

    The thing is I know all of these things are things I need to feel balanced. I need to maintain my grades, keep my job, sleep more than most people, eat well, and spend time around people I feel emotionally safe with. These are things I can not compromise on – I’ve tried and it didn’t work. And I also have to go to therapy.

    Have you tried looking into any of the local colleges to see if they have a sliding-scale program? It might be worth a shot. I’d say if you are showing all of the symptoms of depression it’s better to get some therapy than none, especially if you’re isolating and not exercising. Over time, you’ll find the balance that works for you.

    It’s not just you, a lot of people feel like this a lot of the time. It’s something I struggle with a lot. There are times when I’m too tired to do what I need to take care of myself, but I just accept that and do what I can the next day.

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