#5302 – from yacht cap to sea sick

i hate trying to put my brave face on to convince myself and others that i’ll be ok, as if a nonchalant attitude can make all the difference. can people tell when i do this?

this afternoon i had lunch with cynicalscribe. she had really wanted a portrait of herself done by paigeyiscrazey, and early last year i commissioned portraits of the two of us since she had presented me with a portrait of the two of us by artemna for a previous gift. this portrait was meant to be part of her birthday present last year, but since paige was swamped with commission and convention work it wasn’t going to be ready until september… then it was going to be part of her christmas present… then i was thinking maybe it’d be part of her valentine’s day present, but then we broke up about a week after paige asked for reference images so she could begin work. since i had already told carrie some time ago that i had this in the works, and since i had asked paige to do the artwork for me, i told paige that i still wanted it done since i knew it was going to mean a lot to everybody involved and i wanted to keep my promises to them and to me. carrie’s portrait was completed back in march, and mine was finished about a month ago. as soon as they were both done i ordered prints made, and as soon as those arrived i brought them to the arts and crafts store to be framed, and picked up the finished product once i returned from my trip to florida. since then i had been trying to find a time to meet with carrie so i could deliver her belated birthday present (i’d say a year later = belated, yes?), and today was the first day that we were able to meet; our schedules didn’t quite mesh the previous several days.

we had a nice lunch at the chic-fil-a by my office, and for about 40 minutes or so it felt a little like old times. mostly we were catching up on what we’ve been doing the past few weeks, me with my apartment move and her switching to a new job. eventually i had to go back to work, so we went out to my car so i could give her her present. she seemed to really like it and we shared a hug. i mumbled “i’ve missed you”, and i felt awkward vocalizing my feelings, but it was the truth. remember in #5299 when i said how “the weight of the breakup from my last post lasted only a few days”? the tough part lasted only a few days. i’m still in that sentimental part. it’s almost as if it were a… sentimental journey. (i can’t believe i just wrote that.) anyway, i don’t think there’s really been a day that’s gone by that i haven’t thought about her. even in a non-romantic way i’ve missed her, mainly since we were so close for so long that we could really trust each other. at least, i felt that i could/can trust her – i can’t speak for how she felt/feels about me.

i still really feel that way, except now when there’s something i want to share or need someone to vent to about my life, i don’t really feel that there’s someone i can really share with or vent to. protip: if you ever see me post something on twitter that’s basically “grumble” or “sigh”, i’m probably feeling like there’s something i want to get off my chest and that i don’t have the appropriate audience i feel i can vent to. festive has been my sounding board for most of my bellyaching, and while michelle lending an ear is appreciated, it still isn’t the same; i still miss carrie as a friend, but i’d also be lying if i said that i didn’t still have romantic feelings for her.

remember at the end of my previous post when i said how people say that i’ve changed in the last several months? michelle sat me down one night and had a long chat with me, and she told me how i’ve seemed really standoffish, i didn’t seem my usual self, a bit more abrupt with people. i could feel a bit of a change, but i didn’t know until then that it was that obvious. there was workplace stress going on the past few months as well, but i’m pretty certain that not releasing my emotions to anyone in the meantime wasn’t doing me any good. hence, lj posts, and except for a simple friends-lock, this post is otherwise open; you can’t say that i’m not honest.

anyway, so it shouldn’t have been any surprise when she asked me if i had been seeing anyone else. it’s been 7+ months, right? other people – sure, why not?

i mean, at one point, seeking out new relationships was actually very beneficial, especially while i was studying for my master’s – if i didn’t do all of my schoolwork and studying ahead of time, i wouldn’t allow myself to go out dating on the weekend. no work meant no fun. at one point it was almost comical to some folks how i’d have to keep the names / occupations of some of these girls straight since once or twice i had different dates on consecutive nights:

– penny, the journalist

– megan, the political activist / hardcore feminist

– erica, the actress (apparently she knows textureslut, heh)

– caryn, the college instructor

– alicia, the aspiring minister

there were a few others that i only chatted with, or was being set up with, and for some reason or another we never had a chance to meet. and, surprise, none of them ever really worked out:

– penny got the “just friends” vibe after we first met

– megan blocked me out of the blue after we had a few dates (we never had much to talk about when we met anyway, but at least have some common courtesy to admit it’s not working out rather than disappear)

– erica was hard to get a hold of, and complained elsewhere online about never really being asked out by guys for more dates (maybe if it wasn’t so hard to get in touch?)

– caryn already lived 45 minutes away on the eastern shore when i was out in annapolis, and me moving to dc made it too far of a distance to be feasible

– alicia already had concerns about religious differences even before we met, and though we would have seen each other during marathon training, me dropping out of marathon training kind of put an end to that opportunity

so what did i say? “a few dates, but nobody as awesome as you.” and again it’s true; the bar has been set high, and nobody’s really worked out. i hit it off the best with caryn, but we only had that one first (and last) date. i continued, “michelle has been threatening to edit my okcupid profile for me.”

i don’t know why i didn’t expect to hear this next, though i knew it was a possibility: “yeah, i’ve been seeing someone too. …but it’s still new, so we’ll see how things go.” i mean, it’s been 7+ months, right? we’d both be seeing other people – sure, why not? etc., etc. i guess i thought that with her busy work schedule and derby schedule that wouldn’t have had a chance to see anyone else? we’ve only seen each other now twice since january. but then again, she’s switching to a new job and her weekends might be more free now?

i have an active imagination, and i tend to read into things more than i should. i don’t like doing it, but i can’t help myself. “what did she mean by that? was there a deeper meaning in qualifying it by saying that things were still new? how new is ‘new’? maybe she just asked me about my dating to see if she should mention her recent dating experience? is he someone i know? was this why our schedules didn’t mesh over the previous few days?” and so on. not necessarily stuff i’d want or like to hear answers to, but like i said, i have an overactive imagination. so, when i got back to the office, my brain got to chew on these questions, while my stomach got to chewing on my food, and either way adding indignity to the whole situation something made me not feel so well so i had to spend more time than usual in my “other cubicle” while my lunch ended up going right through me. 😛

i got home from work and since i was already not feeling well from lunch i had a lie-down and felt sorry for myself for a few minutes (getting home and finding a bill in the mailbox and having to pay student loans and it raining outside certainly didn’t help my mood any) before i decided to find things to distract myself. i turned on the tv and flipped through the channels, and guess what movie was on right then? “carrie”. THANKS, TV.

later on, whammywah came online and i told him all that went on and how i was mentally kicking myself after some of the things i said, and he had good advice that made me feel a lot better. i wish things could be easier, but i’ll just have to take things as they come. it’s tough finding someone as awesome.

oh jeez it’s almost 3 AM what am i still doing up