#5298 – anticipating something happening doesn't make it any easier when it finally happens

after almost 4 years in a relationship, i’ve forgotten what it’s like to be single. cynicalscribe and i broke up this past sunday afternoon, and all i keep thinking about are little random moments in time that stick in my head. things like:

– when we first met at demondogdondite‘s “tom jones 40oz party”, where everyone had to dress as tom jones (or something tom jones related), and she dressed as the biblical delilah

– when i went to cheer her on at her derby tryouts by making her a sign that said “go team you!”

– when she broke her wrist and i had to put her hair in a ponytail before bed and i had no idea what to do

– when we first planned to go to an open skate at the sports club in columbia, and i showed up at the wrong entrance, had no way to get in, and only knew her first name so i had no idea whose guest i was or who they should page to meet me

– when it was one of the first times i stayed over at her place and she accidentally locked me in and i had to be rescued by her mother

– on our trip to japan, when we went to a cat petting zoo, and the whole way there and back we kept shouting “KITTIES!!!”

– when we used to have MST3k movie nights, curled up on her couch together

– when we were riding along in my car and i mentioned that i named my ipod “the bismarck” since then whenever i would connect it to my computer i was prompted to “sync the bismarck”, then after we had a laugh about it she just said “i want to make out with you.”

– when we went “liberating” illegal signs that were in the right-of-way (on multiple occasions)

– when we went poking around the national gallery of art and she showed me dali’s “the sacrament of the last supper”, and we probably annoyed a security guard by seeming suspicious

– our lunches spent at the chick-fil-a next to my office when she was working from home

– when i retrieved her cat when he didn’t want to come in, and got my hand all clawed up as a result

– when i spent the night at her place before i ran the marine corps marathon 10k run, and woke up to find a collection of energy snacks and a good luck note next to my gear in the morning

– her having a bad day and telling me to stay away since she was upset, and me not seeing her texts until i finally arrived at her place, and yet i still didn’t want to leave because i knew she had a crappy day

– celebrations with her family at a sushi restaurant, where i would be a sushi snob

– getting conveyor-belt sushi in japan and totally housing more food than her because i’m a sushi snob

– her visiting my extended family for dessert at thanksgiving one year, and the two of us stood there awkwardly listening to my uncle describe how good of a family this is

– our first “date” when we went to dave & buster’s and i was schooled in skee-ball

– whenever we walked by an apple store in any shopping mall and her asking me “do you have to go in and get your fix?”

– going to a coworker’s halloween party as boris and natasha, and being mistaken for a rabbi and/or gomez addams (rabbi gomez addamstein)

– when we were visiting the UK and she stepped out to get something at the corner shop, and returned with a typical lad’s gadget magazine with sexy ladies on it for me

– visiting montreal, navigating the icy roads from her place to the train station, and her having to translate for me

– visiting tokyo, freaking out about the airport shuttle to newark running late, and me having to translate for her

– me checking out other girls, and she’d just roll her eyes, but we knew that no matter what i said i wouldn’t go around behind her back

– farting in my car and finding out she knew all about the doorknob game

– when i was taking night classes at umuc, and between work and school that day i wouldn’t have been able to do my laundry after returning from class, and needed clean clothes for work badly, so she went to my apartment and washed my work clothes for me

– waking up early on weekends to treat me to breakfast

– treating her to lunch when she’s stuck at her second job

and so on, and so on.

i’ve been given orders from her to go on my portland trip this week and enjoy myself. i’ve even been given orders from her to find a cute girl and make out with her. in the history of breakups, this had to have been the nicest, most gentle breakup ever. i really hope we can stay friends. it’s been two days and already i miss just holding her when we’ve cuddled up on the couch, or under blankets in bed, and my clothes only faintly smell of her now.

but, as with all good things, this probably had to come to an end sooner or later. i’m a little glad it happened sooner rather than later, before we might start getting really annoyed with each other, but then again even though we would have our difficulties and only maybe see each other once a week for only a few hours at a time because of our respective schedules, i don’t know if we would have ever reached that point where we’d become so frustrated we’d detest each other. as she said, “this would have been a lot easier if you were an asshole, but you’re not.”

i keep feeling like if i did or didn’t do or say or write certain things, this never would have happened. but somehow i knew something like this would happen sooner or later. so, why do i feel so sad if it was inevitable? i think it’s because i don’t know if i can find another girl who’s treated me as well as she has, even when she didn’t need to. because of that, i almost don’t want to see other girls – it’s going to be tough for them to measure up.

it’s practically a certainty that we won’t be back together again, but there’s a little bit of hope i have that this is just temporary… a “look, we both have crazy schedules now with multiple jobs and school in the near future, but once we can get our lives straightened out with work and school then perhaps we’ll get back together once again” separation period. i don’t know if she feels the same way. but again, since neither of us could agree to take the relationship to another level, it’d be like resuming a save point in a video game.

(speaking of video games, one funny thing from all this: later on sunday while out with zenmetsu, bruno_boy, and imzkat, and it suddenly dawned on me that – like scott pilgrimi got my haircut just beforehand, in my case the day before instead of 3 hours before, but still. difference was this was mutual, and it hasn’t been brutal.)

it’s bothering me that i read about her struggling and that i can’t comfort her as usual. it’s hard seeing your best friend of 4 years struggling and feeling powerless because you’re struggling too.

i still keep thinking this is a bad dream and that i’m going to wake up and everything’ll be all right.