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#4569 – religion

during lunch at work today they were talking about the tiff between scientologists and the BBC and the sickness/death of jerry falwell. that got the three guys at my table and myself talking about how wacko scientology is (one or two of the guys had no idea how bizarre it is) and that evolved into talking about willis religion in general.

one of the guys would make a great preacher, he explained things and concepts in the bible from old to new testament that made perfect sense – as one of the guys at the table said, “where were you when i was in high school taking religion class?!”

one of the other guys kept playing devil’s advocate. this was a great quote during our conversation:

devil’s advocate: “ok, so let’s say i’m going to commit a sin, but it’s more like a practical joke, i’m not being malicious… like i toss a whoopee-cushion on your chair…”

me: “but one of the commandments is ‘THOU SHALT NOT MAKE WHOOPEE‘!”

at one point the preacher-esque guy said something like “so you die and go to your judgement, and god asks why you did something and jesus says ‘don’t be so harsh on him since i know exactly what he was going through etc. etc.'” and i commented on how it sounded like bill cosby’s “brain damage” skit, and something like this came to mind:

When THE Cos made the earth and the heavens- and no Kodak film had yet appeared on the earth and no plant of the field had yet sprung up, for THE Cos had not sent rain on the earth and there was no man to work the ground, but New Coke came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground- THE Cos formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. THE Cos named the man “Theo.”

Now THE Cos had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. And THE Cos made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground — trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden was the Jello puddin-pop.

THE Cos took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And THE Cos commanded the man, “YOUUUU are free to eat from anyyyyyy tree in the garden; BUT… you must NOT! eat the Jello puddin-pop, for when you eat of it you will surely DIE, for I have brought you in this world and I will take you out. It don’t make no difference to me for I will make another one that looks JUST like you.”

THE Cos said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a friend suitable for him. And jazz music.”

Now THE Cos had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.

But for Theo no suitable helper was found. So THE Cos caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then THE Cos made a Rudy from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals THE Cos had made. He said to the Rudy, “Did the Cos really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The Rudy said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but the Cos did say, ‘You must not eat Jello puddin-pops, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’ ”

“You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the Rudy. “For the Cos knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like the Cos, knowing good and evil.”

When the Rudy saw that the Jello puddin-pop was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to Theo, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the Theo and the Rudy heard the sound of THE Cos as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from THE Cos among the trees of the garden. But THE Cos called to the man, “HEY HEY HEY! Where are you?”

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid that because I was naked; so I hid.”

And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten the Jello puddin-pop that I commanded you NOT to eat?”

The man said, “The Rudy you put here with me — she gave me the Jello puddin-pop, and I ate it.”

Then THE Cos said to the Rudy, “What is this you have done? You and Theo have the brain damage! Why did you do this?”

The Rudy said, “I don’t know!! The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

To the Rudy he said,

“Y’see?! Because you have listened to the rap music,

and EATEN of the Jello puddin-pop,

you have got the brain damage!”

To Theo he said,

“Because you listened to your wife instead of jazz,

and ate the Jello puddin-pop which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’

you ALSO have the brain damage! Dahawhawhaw!”

THE Cos made garments of skin for Theo and the Rudy and clothed them. And THE Cos said, “The man is a big stupid doo-doo-head. He was a-hippin’ and a-hoppin’ and a-bippin’ and a-boppin’.” So THE Cos banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.