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#2580 – so that's what he was talking about

andy_i: An Extremely Well-Known Company sent me a new mouse that was designed by a big-name designer. I’m putting “big-name designer” in lowercase because I’m not hiding his identity; I just don’t know who he is. So how do I know he’s a big-name designer?

Umm…well, because the press release in the box kept going on and on about how famous the guy is and what a major coup it was for the Extremely Well-Known Company to retain his services for something so prosaic as a mere mouse. Look, that’s not the point.

The point is that it’s a very unique and stylish mouse. Definitely not the sort of dull thingamabob that comes with a new Dell Dimension. Not so stylish that it’d be milled out of a block of platinum and get full-page ads in magazines like Pompous Lower-Upper-Class Bastard Who Actually Thinks He Can Tell The Difference Between An $800 Bottle Of Wine And Two-Buck Chuck From Trader Joe’s. But it’s definitely stylish enough that you may one day spot it in a really low-budget movie made for the Sci-Fi Channel, on the desk of the Cernan Lunar Colony’s chief of police. You know, just to show you how gol-darned futuristic things are over here. It’ll be connected to a Dell Dimension.

It wasn’t until I looked at it again later this afternoon that I noticed that it sort of looks like a [CENSORED].

In an iconographic sort of way, I mean. You know how a fat oval bisected by a wide rounded rectangle looks nothing like a hamburger, and yet it contains just enough of visual language that when you slap it on a highway exit sign, people take one 70 MPH glance at it and immediately think “Hey, cool…burgers! Boy, could I go for one of those right about now!”

Only in this case the drivers would be thinking “Hey, cool…[CENSORED]! Boy, could I go for one of those right about now!”

Not exactly an unlikely thought, given the raw power that the thing in question often has on the human psyche. If I owned an IHOP near an offramp and I was getting a little desperate for business, I’d hammer one of those signs up in the dead of night. Hundreds of lonely people would turn up at my franchise and while I wouldn’t be able to provide them with any [CENSORED] (not in New England, anyway) I’d tell them that we do have a wide selection of waffles and pancakes. Waffles are a pretty solid #2 choice in nearly any situation, particularly if it comes with a complimentary side of bacon.

I’m not going to tell you who makes this mouse or what it looks like. I don’t want to ruin this device for anyone who already owns one. My initial thought was just a cursory and idle one, but within the hour, it had built in intensity until now, I don’t really even want to take the mouse out of the package…let alone…

Um…

You know.

Let alone…wrap my hand around it and manipulate it and stuff.

If you own this mouse and it never occurs to you that it looks a litle like a [CENSORED], you’re safe. You can use the thing. You live in a magical realm in which this thing is just a stylish mouse that nicely dresses up your desktop.

I have no idea what to do with it, either. If I give it to Goodwill, will they have me arrested as some sort of pervo?

Oh, good God…now I’m thinking “I’m just glad this isn’t a force-feedback mouse.” That does it. I’m going to have to go off now and read about a year’s worth of “Family Circus” strips as a form of mental sorbet to wipe this image from my brain…

methinks this was what andy was talking about, bahahahaha

in slightly related yet unrelated news, i’m feeling a little like a dirty old man XD;;;

“whoomp! there it is (wpgc remix) (4.5 MB)