what follows is a copy of an email i sent out on the fraternity email list about an ant infestation at my house
OK, you all remember when we were at Dean’s last week, and a few fellows including myself let loose the ‘ol floodgates by pissing on an anthill? And I made the joke how if anyone happened to wander upon that there anthill in the dark that not only would they now have to deal with a bunch of pissed-off ants, but these would be the extra-angry pissed-off-pissed-on ants that they’d have to deal with. HOW TRUE THAT WAS. Read on…
See, shortly around that time we suddenly got an ant problem at my place. I suppose those pissed-off-pissed-on ants wired ahead with their ant-tennas and said whatever ants say that basically means “go forth and pester!”
In any case, once we first got these ants doing a little parade across the counter to some dishes in the sink, we found out where they were coming from and went about filling that hole. Good ‘ol Dad read somewhere that alcohol helps keep ants away, and since he couldn’t find any rubbing alcohol he ended up pouring some whiskey (boo!) down this hole these uninvited guests were coming out of.
NOW fast forward to today. The ant problem had been solved… or so we thought – this morning we’ve got the same scenario, ‘cept the ants this time found a different hole to sneak out of. I guess the whiskey just showed ’em where they could come to get some free booze, so it looks like we’ve found another place to plug up.
In short, fellows, the moral of the story:
1. keep your pants zipped
2. keep your wicks dry
3. don’t get uninvited guests liquored up
– or else, as Mikey B’s FRED on STDs told us the other day, you’ll get a nasty infestation in the morning!
Keep those steps in mind with both parties and anthills!
Now as this email passes 1667+ bytes, you’d probably want to print this out and have it framed, since this is probably the longest post I’ve made to date on the ZAX list.
*** KEEP READING IF YOU’RE PATRICK ABBONDANDOLO ***
I now present the version of that email especially written for Patrick:
HEY GUYS WHAT’S UP!?… I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND SAW SOME ANTS RUNNIN AROUND I THINK THOSE BIETATCHES THEY WERE AFTER MY SUBSS!! GODDAMNN IT………!! i dont know what THEY EWER DOING THERE BUT YOU CAN BET YOURS ASSES THAT THEY WERE OBVISOUSELY PI CRAPP ANTS!!! or at the VERY LEAST they mighet have been PINKO COMMUNISTTES ANTS SINCE THEY ALL LIVE IN THAT SAME ANTHILSS!! AT ETH VERY VERY VERY LEAST THEY COULD HAVE BEEN DEMOCRAT ANTS TOO. THAT WOULD MAEKE EARHLICH WOULD BE SPIINNING IN HIS GRAVE (IF HE HAD A GRAVE AND WAS IN IT TOO HE WAS IN HE WOULD BE!)!! DAMN ANSTS!!!!
*** KEEP READING IF YOU’RE MATT JARJOURA ***
I now present the version of that email especially written for Jar-Jar:
Hey Man, these ants were walking across my counter the Other day. They were doing it this Morning too. UNSWEEEEEEEET!!
Ok, back as Glenn again… I think those ants are on to me again… I’d better get this out to you guys before they end up trying to chew through the cable line, ‘cos that would suck if they were able to ksdalDLKSFSOU#*&(X(*XKJJJ..
++ATH0 NO CARRIER