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the journal entry that i was concerned about posting

journal entry

7.15.2001

2:49 am

i was sitting in bed when i thought of this, and since i couldn’t sleep (it’s even harder to fall asleep tonight… i currently am less tired than i was last night and i do have a headache, however) i fired up frankenputer in my bedroom to type this up for later posting online when i wake up and livejournal becomes available again…

i think i’ve figured out what’s making me unhappy the past few days.

i didn’t realize this until now. and since i realized its importance, you can understand why i hopped out of bed onto the computer in my room to type this up. i need to remember this for future reference, and put this down while the thoughts are still fresh in my mind.

i’m very good at listening to people and being concerned with what troubles them. myself, on the other hand, isn’t one to go about saying what’s wrong with me – i’m very silent when it comes to my troubles (though they exist, they are few, i must admit).

<slight tangent to help me get to my point>

i hate insincerity masked by concern. i realized tonight at work just how hollow the usual “how are you?” “not bad, you?” “i’m doing allright…” etcetera etcetera really sounded – it’s not like you’re going to care more about the person just by saying those words… they’re a total stranger! and the questions / responses are so canned… every person says something similar to the above sample dialogue. there’s little or no variation. it’s not like my saying “how are you?” to a customer is going to recieve “well, i’m feeling like going home and overdosing on pills since my wife left me and my dog was hit in traffic and my car blew up and i lost all my money on the stock market. how are you?” i’d stake my paycheck on never recieving a serious comment like that.

</slight tangent to help me get to my point>

but when i ask people i know personally how they are, i really am concerned with their problems and issues. because, unlike the customers, these are people that i know. people that i interact with on a regular basis. a totally different situation.

all this listening to people and being concerned for them has had me putting lives of others before my own. i usually responded to solutions to others’ problems that might turn out bad for me with an inner monologue of “well, as long as it makes them happy, it’s good for them. i shouldn’t matter in their decision of what’s good or bad for them. even if it involves me in some way.”

even though i had been concerned with various people’s misfortunes, until tonight i didn’t think of myself. i realized tonight that thinking of others has led me to put myself second. which isn’t a very good thing… i ought to be concerned with my own (psychological) well-being before considering the problems of others – how can i act in such a way with other people’s troubles, when doing so pushed mine own problems into the backseat to multiply?

i suppose i wouldn’t have minded so much if more people would say to me “i appreciate your attention” or “i’m glad i could talk to you” or “thanks for being understanding”. which is where the feelings of being underappreciated came in. i do things for people with little or no recognition of the thought i put into helping them. (hah, welcome to the real world, glenn -_-;;)

well, i think that this all may change, soon. i’m not going to stop being genuinely concerned for my friends’ / aquaintances’ problems. nope. that’s in my nature – i want to help others with their problems. i’m naturally cheerful (most of the time), and it pains me to see people i know with problems.

what is exactly going to change with me? i don’t know. perhaps i may be more vocal with things that cause a negative impact in the glenn-world. perhaps i may stop censoring myself in my journal entries to better express my feelings (something that i don’t like the idea of, even though i participate in it myself ^^;;).

one thing i know for sure. i am NOT going to become obsessed with other people changing their lives only for my benefit. that’s just, well, asshole-ish. and i’m too much of a passive person anyways (even with this here change) to make such a drastic change to demand that people change themselves for me. ~_^ it’s just not my style. ^^

i guess you can say that now, i’m turning off the autopilot (that seems to head me straight for valleys of depression, grr) and taking control of my life. even if turbulence may eventually be encountered.

the real question for myself is, will i be true enough to myself to go headlong into that turbulence? only time will tell.

</glenn version 1.0>

<glenn version 2.0b>

grr, now my headache has worsened… now i really won’t be able to fall asleep. >_<;;

end of archived journal post

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